Control
by MarineWife
Summary: What if she is exactly like her father? AO
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: Just can't get a completely dominant Olivia out of my head (who really wants to?), but I think if she ever completely lost control and let her emotions rule it would scare her and make her assume she's exactly like her "father". **

**Alex's POV**

I really wish I could remember what I said to make you act this way. If I could remember…I'd say it every time we argued!

I feel consumed by you. Your hands and mouth are demanding my compliance. As if you would need to, but that is most definitely beside the point right now.

You always have your emotions in such control, to see you like this is a little overwhelming…but a complete turn on.

I can normally see the wall that you have built around yourself. Even when it's just you and me and you seem to be at complete ease, the wall may be down, but I can see that one false move will have it right back in place.

But now…Now…I can see every single emotion. It started out as anger, then control. And the way you are devouring me now…Oh, how I wish I could see your eyes! I wish I could see nothing but the passion I know would be there.

But I am not in the position to make requests. Nothing has been said since you started this frenzied fucking, because you are most defiantly not making love to me right now, but I somehow know that anything I ask for will only be used against me in prolonging my release.

I want to touch you. I need to touch you. But you pushed my hands away every time I tried.

As good as this feels for me, I know right now is all about you. And I'm okay with that. As long as you don't stop!

My skin feels like it's on fire. You're touch is burning itself onto me. Although it was you to start the flames, I know it's only you that can put them out as well.

**Olivia's POV**

I can barely find the energy to roll off of you, but I know I must be crushing you. You're breathing is still forced.

As I catch my breath, I turn to look at you, and I can't breathe again.

Your shirt's torn from where I had no patience to bother with the buttons. Your skirt is hiked up to your hips, underwear still hanging from one ankle.

I'm already starting to feel nauseous at the thought of doing that to you. But then I see all the abrasions on you. There are scratches on your torso from my insistent nails, numerous bite marks along your collarbone and neck.

And as I see the redness on your wrists, I know I can't hold back the urge to vomit. I run to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

I put those marks on you by making you do what I wanted you to. All you wanted to do was to touch me, and I hurt you.

I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't control myself. I wanted to feel you. I needed to feel not what you could do to me, but what I could do to you.

Not that though. Never that.

I never wanted to hurt you. I only wanted to please you. I wanted you to be completely focused on every spot I was touching, and to feel the loss of it when it was somewhere else.

The argument itself is slowly coming back. We've had it time and time again, but the longer we're together the harder it is for me. I just needed you to need me, but you never need anyone. I wanted to show you that you in fact do need me.

I don't even remember how what just happened started though. I'm sure I was the one to initiate that little fuck-fest I just had in there, but with how angry you were, you would have stopped me. You like to get all of the yelling through before we move on to make-up sex.

Oh my god! What if you did try to stop me? I just…I can't fucking remember.

What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?

I finally stop heaving and sit back against the wall. I can't stop the tears that are rolling down my face.

How could I have treated anyone like that?

How could I have just treated you like that? You, the woman I love?

I've thought it all along, but now I know; I'm exactly like him. I am a cruel, spiteful person.

I can hear you moving now. I hope you're not hurting too bad. I really wish you would come in here and beat the shit out of me for what I did to you.

I would let you if you did. I wouldn't raise a finger to stop you because I deserve it.

You're standing in the doorway now, but I can't look at you. I can't look at you because I'm a coward too. I'm too scared to look up and see the same look I've seen in numerous women's faces and know that I was the one to put it there.

"I'm sorry," is all I can say knowing it can never be enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: Changed it to 3****rd**** person because I'm more comfortable with it. Sorry it's short, but I wanted to get an update up. Hopefully the next one won't take so long.**

Sitting against the bathroom wall, tears streaming down her face, whispering "I'm sorry" over and over again, is where Alex found Olivia. She couldn't believe just how quickly Olivia had moved while she was still lying on the floor gasping for air and trying to get some kind of control over her body that had still felt as if it were in overdrive.

Alex was completely confused as to why Olivia was sitting in the bathroom crying after the most intense sex she had ever experienced.

She had never been completely dominated before and to her surprise, she loved it! She had always been the more dominate one until Liv; they met as equals.

Alex had always had to have control of everything else in her life, why not sex as well? She had just found out why not. It was invigorating to have someone dominate you, whereas she had always assumed it would belittle her.

It was as if Olivia couldn't have enough of her. As if no amount of contact was enough. That she needed all of Alex or she couldn't go on.

It was as if giving Olivia control of her body gave her control of Olivia.

The thought of being over powered empowering was an odd concept to Alex. One she had never thought of before, but really hoped she would have the pleasure of experiencing again.

"Liv," she said questioningly.

That finally brought Olivia's eyes up to Alex, but her eyes told Alex nothing this time and only left her more confused. There was something there that Alex had never seen before but she knew that she never wanted to see again.

As Olivia let her eyes move from Alex's to move over her body, it only caused her to cry harder. She tucked up her knees and buried her face, never before feeling such shame.

Alex slowly made her way to sit beside Olivia. Their shoulders barely brushing being the only contact.

It was always hit or miss whether or not Olivia would actually let her comfort her, miss more often than not. Alex knew that lending her support when it wasn't wanted would ultimately push Olivia farther into herself.

She could still hear Olivia's muffled apologies, but still had no idea what exactly she was apologizing for. "Liv, sweetheart, what is it?" she asked softly knowing that for now her words were the only comfort she could give.

That stopped the sorry's, but it left nothing but the sobs to be heard.

Finally able to control the sobs but not the tears, Olivia raised her head and looked into Alex's eyes. She slowly reached over and closed Alex's shirt as best she could without any buttons. She gently raised Alex's bruising wrist and placed a soft kiss on it, never breaking eye contact.

Olivia said one more heartfelt sorry, tenderly kissed Alex's forehead, and walked out of the apartment.

And that is when Alex realized exactly what was wrong with her girlfriend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: Italics indicate other end of a phone conversation or a flashback.**

After hearing the door close, Alex slowly made her way to the bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. She then got a glass of wine from the kitchen and took the bottle with her as she settled in the comfy chair Olivia had in front of the window. She sat looking over the city, slowly sipping from her glass.

Alex knew exactly what was wrong with Olivia after she had tried to situate Alex's clothing and kissing her wrist. She thought she was like her father.

Olivia had always been afraid she was like her father. Alex had learned that long before they had even begun to date.

If she hadn't known it was such a real fear for Olivia, Alex would think it funny. To think that Olivia Benson, the most caring and selfless person she had ever met, could ever do anything to hurt another person, much less raping or physically harming them, was totally preposterous. Her entire existence was about helping others, and she usually took that so far as to put herself in danger.

Alex knew Olivia would hate herself for what she thought had happened. She decided to give Olivia some time, hoping that she would come to her senses on her own. That would also give her time to figure out how to talk to Olivia and reassure her.

But if she wasn't home by nightfall, she would have to search for her lost, in every sense of the word, girlfriend.

* * *

Olivia walked with no destination in mind. Normally when she needed to get out of her apartment, she would go to the precinct and throw herself into work, but not today. Today she felt as if the next time she stepped in those doors should be through the eyes of a perp.

So she just walked. If she had her wits about her, it would have saddened her that a woman could walk through the city with tears running down her face and not one person would stop to check on her. But she wasn't thinking, and she just let the tears fall.

As her thoughts finally cleared, she found herself in Central Park. She was at the exact spot that she and Alex had decided to begin seriously dating.

Knowing she was catching for the night, she dialed Elliot's number. She didn't really want to talk to anybody, but she knew someone had to stand for the people of the city that night and it couldn't be her.

"_Stabler."_

"Hey El, I need you to cover for me tonight."

He could hear the tears in her voice. _"What's wrong Liv?"_

She sighed. She probably should tell Elliot, but she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. "Nothing, I just can't catch tonight."

"_Is it Alex?" _There weren't many things that could bring his partner to tears, but he knew anything happening to their ADA was one of them.

She fought back a sob. "El…just please…"

"_Alright. Just know I'm here Liv."_ Elliot knew that he couldn't push her into talking and that she would once she felt ready.

* * *

Alex ran to the bedroom to retrieve her phone from the pocket of her skirt she had left it in. Hoping it was Olivia, she didn't even check the caller-id. "Hello."

"_What's wrong?"_

She had to look at the caller-id now and saw that it was Elliot Stabler. "Nothing. Why?"

"_I just got off the phone with Liv, and it sounded like something was wrong."_

"Well, what did she say?" She knew that if Olivia was willing to talk to anyone it would be Elliot, but she didn't want to say anything if Olivia hadn't said anything.

"_She just asked me to cover for her tonight; it's her night to catch. It sounded like she was crying, but she wouldn't tell me what was goin on."_

"Then you know I'm not going to tell you anything Elliot." She sighed when he started to protest. "It's just a huge misunderstanding. Don't be surprised if she calls you later. You'll be the only other person she'll talk to about this. Just know that it's not near as bad as she says; she's blowing it way out of proportion."

"_What's going on Alex?"_ Elliot wasn't one for all the cloak and dagger nonsense. He liked things being black and white, and hated encrypted conversations.

"I can't tell you Elliot. We need to work it out. But if you do talk to her, will you tell her I want her to come home."

_"Okay Alex. Call me if there's anything I can do."_

* * *

Olivia was sitting on a bench, finally gaining control over her tears, thinking over the past few months with Alex. She wasn't quite ready to think about her actions yet.

She thought of the first time she had seen the beautiful blonde, and how they could never seem to get along at first. They seemed to fight over every step of an investigation. After a while she noticed that she would actually start fights with the counselor only because it was easier to argue with her than fight her own desires.

She learned quickly to never fight with Alex in her office. It was much too hard to deny the urge of ravaging her when they were in private. Too her surprise, Alex was dealing with the same desires.

Alex had been the first to break. She couldn't remember the exact case or argument now, but she would always remember the shock of feeling the smaller frame slam her back against the door and assault her lips. It was the same shock that went through her every time Alex attempted to be dominant.

And every now and then, when she knew Alex needed it, she would let her. She knew that there were times that Alex felt as if she had lost control of a situation and just needed to feel control in at least one area of her life. Olivia was happy to oblige.

Olivia thought back on the first time they had had the repeat argument of their relationship. It was horrible the first time.

"_Damn it Alex, why can't you just admit you can't do it all? That sometimes you just need somebody to lean on?"_

"_Because I don't!"_

"_Bullshit! Everybody needs somebody. Why can't you just let me be here for you?"_

"_I don't need you. I was fine before you, and I'll be fine once we're done."_

It had felt like a knife straight through her heart. She had walked out the door, fully expecting never to walk back through it.

But she didn't walk out anymore. Now they would scream through it all and then end up in each other's arms.

The first time she had walked out of her own apartment had been the last time she walked out at all. Once she had finally returned, it was well past midnight. She had expected Alex to have either left or to already be asleep, but what she found nearly broke her heart.

_Alex was lying with a pillow and blanket on the floor beside the bed, streaks of mascara down her cheeks, still wide awake even though Olivia could see how exhausted she was. Neither said __anything as Olivia picked her up and placed her in bed. She climbed in behind her and wrapped her in a tight embrace, and before Olivia could get fully comfortable, Alex was asleep._

That had reassured her for a little while, but Alex still wouldn't actually admit to needing her.

It was slowly getting better. At least the words were less harmful. Olivia still wanted Alex to admit she needed her sometimes. As hard as it was for Olivia to admit the same, she had already come to the realization that Alex was what she needed at the end of a hard day.

And that brought her to tonight. It was the exact same argument, and she was tired of it. She didn't think she could continue knowing that she needed Alex so much more than Alex needed her.

Alex might be fine after they were done, but she knew she would not be. It was hard loving someone more than they loved you. She knew this was usually able to accept it, but after tonight, she wasn't so sure. If this is what would happen from now on, then she couldn't do it. There was no way she would continue to put Alex in the situation of the same thing happening again.

So she would stay in the park, giving Alex plenty of time to gather her things and leave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Sorry it's taken so long, but I've gotten caught up in reading Meredith/Addison from Grey's Anatomy fics. Definitely my second favorite pairing now, but there's not a lot out there that I can find.**

It was well past nightfall when Alex finally decided to look for Olivia. Any other time, she would have known exactly where to look, the precinct. But tonight she knew that Olivia wouldn't be there. So she went to the one place she always went when she needed to think, Central Park. And she thought she knew the exact spot to look.

Olivia hadn't heard Alex approach, but she knew she was there. She had this odd sixth sense when it came to Alex. She knew the moment she walked into a room. It was nothing as obvious as tingling of the skin or as ridiculous as high school butterflies; she just knew.

If Alex wasn't going to walk away then Olivia would, but not before lettering her know exactly how she felt.

Alex was always startled by Olivia's perceptiveness and nearly jumped when she started speaking without ever looking over. "I can't do this anymore Alex. I need you too damn much to have you not need me at all.

"Most of the time I can handle it. Most of the time I can look at you and not ache because you're just passing time until we're done." Alex attempted to stop her, but Olivia just kept on. Eyes focused straight ahead.

"But sometimes, like tonight…And I know it's not an excuse, but sometimes it grabs a hold of me so tight I can't breathe, and all I can think about is making you need me.

"That maybe if I do just one thing right, you'll realize it." Alex was visibly shocked. Neither woman spoke of their feelings very often, and it shook her to hear her strong, independent detective so vulnerable.

"Tonight I needed you to need me so fucking much Alex. I needed to feel like I was a part of something. I needed to feel like I was a part of you like you've become such a huge part of me.

"And I couldn't control it. I've let it build up for so long that it turned on me and all I did was hurt you. There's no way for me to ever take that back or make it up to you, but Alex, you have to know I didn't mean to.

"God, I would rather cut off my own arm than to hurt you. But I did and you'll never know how sorry I am."

Once Alex was sure Olivia was through, she began speaking softly, never taking her eyes off of Olivia's profile. "The only reason I'm hurting right now Liv is by seeing you like this and knowing it's all because of me…"

"Alex, you…" Olivia interrupted.

"No, I let you talk. Now it's my turn," Alex said. "You didn't hurt me Liv."

Olivia's head whipped to finally look at Alex. She could not stay silent at that. "Did you not look at yourself?!"

"Yes I did. Did you not look at yourself?"

Confusion was clearly written on Olivia's face. Alex smiled and raised her hand to Olivia's neck, tracing a noticeable bit mark. Olivia raised her hand and could feel the teeth indentions. "That's not the same thing," she said.

"Yes, it is. What did you feel when I did that?" Alex asked.

Olivia didn't answer, just turned to stare out in front of her again. No matter what Alex said it wasn't the same thing. She knew Alex couldn't understand. There was something inside her that she had to always have control over. This time left Alex with marks that would someday disappear, but what could be said of the next time?

When Alex realized she wasn't going to receive an answer from Olivia, she answered it herself. "The pain didn't even register. You felt…excited. Turned-on. Wanted." Olivia slowly nodded. "That's exactly what I felt Olivia. Even now they don't hurt. They're just a reminder as to how much you want me and that I'm yours.

"Liv, you weren't trying to hurt me. You weren't doing it out of spite. They were made due to your passion, and that, I have no problems with. In fact," she smiled, knowing Olivia would be able to hear it in her voice. "I loved it."

"It's not the same thing Alex, and you know that."

"No, I don't. Explain."

"You know why," Olivia threw a glare to Alex.

"Olivia Benson," Alex took Olivia's face in her hands and turned to face her, "you are not your father. You are the sweetest, most caring person I know, with the gentlest heart. You would never do anything to hurt anyone unless left without a choice. You care for the victims of this city with your entire being, and hunt those that caused others pain to the point of exhaustion. You would take everyone's pain upon yourself if it were possible. You. Are. Not. Your. Father." She punctuated the last sentence with kisses across Olivia's forehead, nose, each cheek, and finally placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"It can't be that easy Alex," she sighed, resting her forehead against Alex's. "You can't just list all these things you see in me and ignore everything else."

"I'm not ignoring anything. So you have a temper. It doesn't take away anything from who you are. It only adds another layer to the amazing woman standing before me. Everyone has a temper sweetheart. Just think of it this way, has your temper ever had you do anything you later regretted?"

"Well no, but…" Olivia began to argue, but Alex interrupted.

"But nothing. You can't live your life thinking that you _might_ lose your temper because of who your father was Liv. He has no bearing on the person you are today, other than giving you a first-hand experience as to just how much people in certain positions need help."

Olivia sighed. Alex made it sound so easy. And everything she said sounded so right. It was enough for now. It had to be.

She smirked. "You've got a way with words Alex. Ever considered becoming a lawyer?"

Alex laughed, hoping the crisis had passed. "I'll put some thought into that Detective."


End file.
